Grace Nicole Conklin - December 24, 2002

I'd like to introduce you to my first born, Grace. We named her Grace because I wanted a classic name for her. Nothing trendy or weird. A name that has an elegance to it. The name we agreed on the moment she was born was Grace. She was name Nicole for her aunt Nikki. The other name we had picked out was Rachel Shannon. Again the middle name was for an aunt. And that would be how Grace got her name. What a Christmas that was!
I have to say that, without question Grace was the greatest Christmas present I've ever gotten and ever will get. She was due to arrive December 25, 2002 and was only 3 1/2 early and arrived December 24, 2002. All I can remember of Grace when she was a baby was those huge, beautiful blue eyes and her cute, bald, perfectly round head. She was such a doll. It's amazing how something so small can make daddies heart melt in an instant. She, like her sisters, still has that ability.
Grace was always very independent and wanted to do everything. She wasn't a snuggler at all. She was to busy to snuggle. Once she started crawling it was game over. She didn't even do that long. I remember being at a Christmas Eve church service visiting with friends in the lobby and Grace decided that it was time to start walking. She was playing on the floor beside me, stood up and proceeded to start doing laps around the group of us talking. I was so stunned that it took me a good 5 seconds to get it the words to come out of my mouth that Grace was walking. I was so proud of my little girl. She started walking on her first birthday. Yet another pretty cool Christmas.
As Grace got a little older her hair grew into little blond ringlets. Blond ringlets and big blue eyes and rosy cheeks. She was hardly cute at all! I would be having a bad day and that little smile would cure me of that right quick. She was more than just cute though.
Grace loved and still loves to learn. She really liked her Baby Einstein movies and picked up on letters and numbers quite quickly. What she really enjoys the most and I think is part of her is the arts.
When I would be rehearsing before church, Grace would sit on the top step on the front of the stage and just watch daddy sing. It wasn't long before she was singing and dancing herself. After we moved to Mission, BC we put Grace in ballet at her request. She was in ballet for a year. She stopped not long after her mom and I separated. I sure do miss watching her practice in the living room. She was so awkward, but so cute. She was so into her dancing and that was amazing. I miss seeing her grow everyday. Oh how I miss it.

All you parents out there who have your children under your roof, cherish it. It is such an amazing gift. Don't take it for granted. My two oldest babies change so much between visits an I miss it. If you are a single parent and have an ex who wants to be part of their child's life then you do ALL you can to make that happen. Those that don't are the worst thieves in existence. They are stealing from their children and the other parent and that, is criminal. (Rant over)

-I didn't think I'd be so emotional writing this. Tears, joy, anger, more tears...... -

Grace was four when her mom and I separated for good. She seemed to just accept it intellectually. Her eyes were different though. Something she had always known, daddy and mommy, was done. I can't tell you how many nights I spent and still spend weeping for my girls. Grace found strength from somewhere and made the best of things. She was always so happy to see me when I showed up on my bike to take the girls for a walk to the playground or out for dinner. The picture above is of Grace on the front step of the house meeting me at the door for just such a visit. To this day, when I'm coming to get them there are 2 beautiful little girls looking out the front window for their daddy.
Grace also has, well, a certain grace about her. She is usually very proper, and thoughtful. I swear I can see her little brain going a million miles a second sometimes. She instinctively analyzes everything and tries to figure it out (a trait from daddy). She is a great big sister as well and takes it quite seriously. She enjoys teaching her sisters, even when they don't really want to be taught! I think it is pretty cool though that she wants to share what she has learned. She gets so excited and wants to share. It's pretty cool. I sure love my princess.

Right now Grace, Isabel and Olivia are all asleep under the same roof as me and that is so sweet. I can't tell you how amazing that is. I'm going to enjoy my sleepover with my Princess (Grace), my Monkey (Isabel) and my Bean (Olivia). Next time you will get introduce to Isabel.

-C-

Why?!!??!?!?

I'm very sorry I haven't been posting. I have so much to get out, but blogs are public. So, writing about those issues here would be like, no, would be throwing fuel on a fire. Not gone' do it, wouldn't be prudent.

I have a bit of a beef this time as I have not been having the greatest life adventure lately. I have discovered for myself a type of behavior that will bring out the nastiest, ugliest, take no prisoners sonofabitch you will ever meet. I mean it, this guy has testosterone, adrenaline and pure rage coursing through his veins. The behavior that seems to bring out this endearing quality in me is when people pick on others when they are weak and vulnerable. I think this has to be one of the cruelest things someone can do to another person.
I don't understand the motivation behind this act, even though I have been guilty of it myself, it pains me to say. We all know from experience what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this behavior. You know the time when you've been ripped apart either physically, mentally, emotionally or any combination of the three, and you're still being attacked? I'm sure you all went right back to a time when you felt that way. It's horrible. We all know what that feels like yet we are compelled to 'go for the kill' when others are beaten and weak and torn. Why?!?!?!
Why if we found are friend hurting would we kick them some more? Why would we hurl words and insults at them? Why would we want them to have that sinking, overwhelming, horrible tightness in their chest? Why would we then belittle them if they showed any sign of emotion?!!? I've witnessed this one way too many times. Think back to high school when you would see a bunch of the older jock types corner a little nerdy kid and pick on him until he cries and then pick on him some more. I was one of the jock types and it would make me so mad when some of the guys would go do that to someone. Even though I'm in my thirties I still witness this cruelty amongst 'mature' adults. It makes me sick and still makes me just as mad. Here's an interesting way to look at the situation with some intellect. What happens when you poke a wounded animal? One of two things. Either you eventually kill the animal or it turns on you and wounds you in an effort to defend itself. Neither of those options seem all that appealing to me. How about you?
Even though I have been guilty of bullying like this I tend to be more of the comforting type. I find a good hug and/or a comforting word are lot more effective. For guys it's pretty easy. The conversation goes something like this, "You alright? Wanna get a beer?" "Yeah, that sounds good right now." They go have a beer, play some pool, watch sports, blow off some steam and move on with life. I've found in my experience so far that a good solid, enveloping hug tends to go a long way with comforting women and chocolate doesn't hurt either.
All that to say that if we could just give our friends and spouses and children and parents a hand up and help them dust themselves off and heal instead of seeing if we can deliver the fatal blow we would be much better off.

It would be cool to get some feedback.

-C-

The Boot Thrown From Ontario That Hit Me Square In My Arse

So, there's this woman........ (goddammit another one).......and I've actually never met her. She lives in Ontario, I think. She's one of Lee-Anne's friends from school, I think. (I sure hope I'm getting this right, because if I'm not and Lee-Anne reads this I am in some hot water. I can hear it now, "YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!! WHY CAN'T YOU REMEMBER THE NAME OF MY 3RD GRADE FRIENDS DOG!!!!!!" A little exaggeration maybe, but you get the point.) So, this woman in Ontario read my first few posts and inspired me to post again. This lovely, (I hope.) intelligent, (I've seen her spell words and group them into sentence's and she knows how to "quote". So, intelligent is a good bet.) caring, (ok, this one is I'm REALLY hoping is true, because the other.... um uncaring kind are not so nice to be around.) woman, This lovely, intelligent, caring woman reached out and booted me square in the arse all the way from somewhere east of here with one click of her mouse! She did this by quoting selected excerpts from the end of my last. Something about writing again soon......... last March and posting it on my wall on Facebook!!! Thanks Liz.
:oP

So, the job last post, the supervisor position. I really liked it and learned a lot. Yes, past tense. I was told my services were no longer needed at the end of November right after I finished Christmas shopping. Yeah, pretty nice of them. I did like most aspects of the job though.
I liked the responsibility and the problem solving. I liked having a salary and benefits. What I enjoyed the most though, was being able to help those I was supervising improve and the challenge of figuring out what motivates them and makes them want to improve. The best part was always when someone had worked really hard to reach their goals and achieved them. Their a couple times when people would come up to me after the latest production numbers had come out and would have the biggest smiles on their faces. I would know why before they even got to me. They would beam and say they had exceeded their goal by 1,2,3,10,15% and it was much easier then they thought it would be. Sharing that moment with them was unreal. It gives me a great sense of pride to help people achieve their goals. That's probably why I enjoy being a dad so much. Then, I learned a few things too.

I learned that it's not worth it to try and please everybody because you are not going to succeed. I learned that there are some horribly selfish people out there. I learned, to my great dismay, that you can't trust anyone in the business world. They'll throw you under the bus just as soon as say hi to you. I learned that everyone can be motivated in a positive way and that everyone appreciates someone helping them out. I also learned that it is not advisable to tell your arrogant, micro-managing, bully manager to 'go pro-create solo' especially not when the HR manger is looking for an excuse to get rid of you.
Ah, life lessons, they're always so *#^%(@! annoying. Enough of this crap.

We had Grace and Isabel over three different times during the Holidays and got to have a few sleep-overs. It was so much fun. We did a lot of swimming and spent even more time plying on the Wii Fit and with the girls new Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party 3 which Santa brought them. Needless to say daddy had a lot of fun over the Holidays with his girls. Great memories for sure.

So, the job hunt continues and more and more positions are opening up. Wish me luck.

-C-

Five Months, a Promotion, 1000kms and a Tooth Later......

I just love this picture so it's the one that's going there whether it fits the post or not!
So here I sit in the middle of the night in Olds Alberta. It's been 5 months since my last post and a comment on Facebook from one of Lee-Anne's old friends from back in Ontario got me motivated to write my next entry. Thanks Liz!
Since I last wrote Lee-Anne and I have moved to Alberta because the ex decided she was going to move to Alberta and take my children with her (insert profanity here). The company I worked for was great and helped me get a position, which turned out to be a promotion to management, in Calgary. Only one problem, one really HUGE problem. It took every last dime we had to get out here and we had to ask family to help us and also loan us money, and give us a place to stay! The problem is the whole living arrangements part. Don't get me wrong I'm extremely grateful and thankful, but.... Lee-Anne and our beautiful little Olivia live with her parents in Calgary in a tiny little room and I live 90kms away in the bustling metropolis of Olds with my dad and step mom (she hates that) in a room with no door. That's right, no door! I will remember this for the rest of my life. I WILL NEVER be in this position again. Oh, not so much fun, but the tough time is almost over. I have managed to save enough money, with LA's budgeting skills, to get us a great place in Calgary close to work where we can live together! Imagine that, a family living together. This whole crazy journey LA and I have been on together has been absolutely the most trying experience I have ever had! But I have to tell you, Lee-Anne, Olivia, Isabel and Grace are so, so, so worth it. This is the next big step for us.
I've been working towards this with LA for a while now. It has been hard on both of us, especially on Lee-Anne though, which I must say breaks my heart. All I want to do is make her happy and provide for her and my precious daughters, but the road chosen was quite rough and has tested us to our limits. I look forward to LA having her own home to do with a SHE pleases and being able to have Grace and Izzy over for sleep overs so they can spend time with us and their sister.
I feel horribly for how Lee-Anne must feel. After all when we met she had a job she enjoyed and her own place. Since we got together, we have moved in together, and then move another 3 times with the 4th coming up on Sunday. I think at times she resents me and I can understand that completely. I knew what was coming when we got together and started to get serious and I told her it was going to be hard, but I don't think she realized it was going to be this hard, not nearly. Going from an independent, single thirty year old to a thirty-one year old mother living with her parents. What a big change. And with a man who went from a construction sub-contractor to a warehouseman to a supervisor in a another province in that same time frame. I can often see the look on her face that says, "Stop the world I want to get off!". Seeing her when she's really feeling it hurts. My one solice though is that I have a good job with a steady income and good benefits starting in May, and a home for her. A place she can make her own. I can't wait to see that smile and look of contentment on her face when we have settled in and she has begun to work her magic on the place.
For me that will be the payoff. Knowing that I have provided for her a home that no one can take away. Knowing that there will always be food on the table and that no matter what happens health-wise we have the medical and dental coverage to take care of it. I think we both desperately need that big 'S' word. S-T-A-B-I-L-I-T-Y, yes stability.
I'm very glad that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, unfortunately, due to our history and LA's past she has a tough time seeing the end of the tunnel until she's standing outside of it. I really wish she could see it too and have faith that we will get there and see that we are almost there now. One day she will I'm sure, but not until things have worked out for us and stayed that way consistently. I think I can live with that.
We've been through a lot and have both grown tremendously and you know what? She is worth every second of it. It is absolutely amazing what you will go through for someone you truly love.
I've almost got all my little ladies a place to stay under one roof, and most importantly, a place for my main lady to call home.
Okay enough rambling. That is the update. I promise to post again soon.

This Really Sucks

Alright, I have not seen Grace or Isabel for a month and a half now. I can't believe someone, ex-wife or not, could be so selfish as to take children away from their father when their are no problems between the father and the children. I miss them terribly.

The fact that she just decided she was moving 1000kms away and didn't discuss it with me at all, but just picked up and left just pisses me off. I missed Graces first day of grade one. There is just no excuse for that. It's definitely not what is best for the girls. They need their father. The selfishness astounds me.

It's very interesting to watch Kristi's dad's reaction in court. He's definitely developed some opinions about me based on what he believes has happened since Kristi and I split. Wow, is he ever out to lunch, but then again that's not exactly a news flash.

So, we're in court now. I've been to court twice already this month only to have things pushed back both times. On the 2nd of September Kristi didn't bother to show up and then on the 23rd of September she sent her daddy, because she can't do anything without him (the real reason we're divorced). She did appear via phone, but things just got pushed back again. Now we wait until the 14th of October.

Are my children going to be entering junior high before they move back home again? I don't know, but this really sucks.

The Mommy Effect

Lee-Anne gave birth to my third daughter, Olivia, Just over four months ago. It's been really cool to see Lee-Anne with Liv, who is her first child. This has posed some challenges, but more often than not it has been fascinating to watch. Throughout the first four months of Liv's short yet very active life I've noticed one trait that has been in common in everyone of my childrens' lives and in those of their cousins. I call it the Mommy Effect.

Their are times when Liv will start crying, for one or more of the various reasons that babies cry, and LA will be busy and/or I'll be the one that hears Liv first. So, being a good daddy, I go and pick up Olivia and usually I can decipher the problem pretty quickly and then go about providing the proper solution and get that all approving smile from Liv as if to say, "Way to go dad, you got it right!". Then their are those other times when daddy just won't do.

I'll be holding Liv trying to sooth her, tears streaming down her face, puffy red eyes, the works. Lee-Anne will walk through the door, Liv's head swings around to mommy and the crying slows to a whimper for a few seconds. It's like the kid has built in radar. Then Liv will decide she needs to tell mommy all about why she's upset and how could mommy leave her with daddy and so on and so on. Then I pass Liv over to LA and life is good. Suddenly Liv will eat burp and sleep in a matter of minutes. I've been trying to get these things accomplished for over an hour. I get screaming, squirmy kid. Lee-Anne gets her and the kid is fed, burped and passed out in a matter of 15 minutes. She gets hold of mommy and she is ok. The Mommy Effect.

On a side note. After 3 daughters I'm getting really good at changing a squirming, crying kids diaper. ;)

-C-

The Look. Yes That One

All you men know the look. The one your mother used to give you when you did something wrong. The problem is that it is not only your mom that can give you this look. All women are capable of 'The Look', especially girlfriends/wives. I bring this up because I got the look today from TDub.

She had been out doing errands and I was home with Liv. At one point I must have knocked over the International Delights creamer and a little bit spilled. TDub came back from the store and was loading her purchases into the fridge and noticed 'the spill'. She immediately said, "What happened here?". I'm standing there with Liv in my arms and I'm wondering how and when I knocked it over and how I didn't notice that I did it. Before I can even finish the thought I get the infamous 'look' and a, "Don't worry I'LL get it.". I stood there with what must have been a dumb founded look on my face for a few seconds wondering how i had got myself into trouble and then tried to explain to her that I had just found out about the spill myself. There was an exchange for a moment and then i said, "I'm sorry, next time I'll hurdle you to get to the spill first so that you don't have to clean up after me!" She laughed, I laughed and that was that.

The thing is this isn't an isolated incident and seems to be common in close relationships, at least from my experience and observations. Any of you men out there experience 'the look'? Better yet, any of you women willing to admit to giving the look and maybe shedding some light on the situation?

Hey, I got 3 daughters who I'm sure will all develop the 'look' gene as they grow into teens and beyond. I need all the intel I can get!

-C-