Grace Nicole Conklin - December 24, 2002

I'd like to introduce you to my first born, Grace. We named her Grace because I wanted a classic name for her. Nothing trendy or weird. A name that has an elegance to it. The name we agreed on the moment she was born was Grace. She was name Nicole for her aunt Nikki. The other name we had picked out was Rachel Shannon. Again the middle name was for an aunt. And that would be how Grace got her name. What a Christmas that was!
I have to say that, without question Grace was the greatest Christmas present I've ever gotten and ever will get. She was due to arrive December 25, 2002 and was only 3 1/2 early and arrived December 24, 2002. All I can remember of Grace when she was a baby was those huge, beautiful blue eyes and her cute, bald, perfectly round head. She was such a doll. It's amazing how something so small can make daddies heart melt in an instant. She, like her sisters, still has that ability.
Grace was always very independent and wanted to do everything. She wasn't a snuggler at all. She was to busy to snuggle. Once she started crawling it was game over. She didn't even do that long. I remember being at a Christmas Eve church service visiting with friends in the lobby and Grace decided that it was time to start walking. She was playing on the floor beside me, stood up and proceeded to start doing laps around the group of us talking. I was so stunned that it took me a good 5 seconds to get it the words to come out of my mouth that Grace was walking. I was so proud of my little girl. She started walking on her first birthday. Yet another pretty cool Christmas.
As Grace got a little older her hair grew into little blond ringlets. Blond ringlets and big blue eyes and rosy cheeks. She was hardly cute at all! I would be having a bad day and that little smile would cure me of that right quick. She was more than just cute though.
Grace loved and still loves to learn. She really liked her Baby Einstein movies and picked up on letters and numbers quite quickly. What she really enjoys the most and I think is part of her is the arts.
When I would be rehearsing before church, Grace would sit on the top step on the front of the stage and just watch daddy sing. It wasn't long before she was singing and dancing herself. After we moved to Mission, BC we put Grace in ballet at her request. She was in ballet for a year. She stopped not long after her mom and I separated. I sure do miss watching her practice in the living room. She was so awkward, but so cute. She was so into her dancing and that was amazing. I miss seeing her grow everyday. Oh how I miss it.

All you parents out there who have your children under your roof, cherish it. It is such an amazing gift. Don't take it for granted. My two oldest babies change so much between visits an I miss it. If you are a single parent and have an ex who wants to be part of their child's life then you do ALL you can to make that happen. Those that don't are the worst thieves in existence. They are stealing from their children and the other parent and that, is criminal. (Rant over)

-I didn't think I'd be so emotional writing this. Tears, joy, anger, more tears...... -

Grace was four when her mom and I separated for good. She seemed to just accept it intellectually. Her eyes were different though. Something she had always known, daddy and mommy, was done. I can't tell you how many nights I spent and still spend weeping for my girls. Grace found strength from somewhere and made the best of things. She was always so happy to see me when I showed up on my bike to take the girls for a walk to the playground or out for dinner. The picture above is of Grace on the front step of the house meeting me at the door for just such a visit. To this day, when I'm coming to get them there are 2 beautiful little girls looking out the front window for their daddy.
Grace also has, well, a certain grace about her. She is usually very proper, and thoughtful. I swear I can see her little brain going a million miles a second sometimes. She instinctively analyzes everything and tries to figure it out (a trait from daddy). She is a great big sister as well and takes it quite seriously. She enjoys teaching her sisters, even when they don't really want to be taught! I think it is pretty cool though that she wants to share what she has learned. She gets so excited and wants to share. It's pretty cool. I sure love my princess.

Right now Grace, Isabel and Olivia are all asleep under the same roof as me and that is so sweet. I can't tell you how amazing that is. I'm going to enjoy my sleepover with my Princess (Grace), my Monkey (Isabel) and my Bean (Olivia). Next time you will get introduce to Isabel.

-C-

Why?!!??!?!?

I'm very sorry I haven't been posting. I have so much to get out, but blogs are public. So, writing about those issues here would be like, no, would be throwing fuel on a fire. Not gone' do it, wouldn't be prudent.

I have a bit of a beef this time as I have not been having the greatest life adventure lately. I have discovered for myself a type of behavior that will bring out the nastiest, ugliest, take no prisoners sonofabitch you will ever meet. I mean it, this guy has testosterone, adrenaline and pure rage coursing through his veins. The behavior that seems to bring out this endearing quality in me is when people pick on others when they are weak and vulnerable. I think this has to be one of the cruelest things someone can do to another person.
I don't understand the motivation behind this act, even though I have been guilty of it myself, it pains me to say. We all know from experience what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this behavior. You know the time when you've been ripped apart either physically, mentally, emotionally or any combination of the three, and you're still being attacked? I'm sure you all went right back to a time when you felt that way. It's horrible. We all know what that feels like yet we are compelled to 'go for the kill' when others are beaten and weak and torn. Why?!?!?!
Why if we found are friend hurting would we kick them some more? Why would we hurl words and insults at them? Why would we want them to have that sinking, overwhelming, horrible tightness in their chest? Why would we then belittle them if they showed any sign of emotion?!!? I've witnessed this one way too many times. Think back to high school when you would see a bunch of the older jock types corner a little nerdy kid and pick on him until he cries and then pick on him some more. I was one of the jock types and it would make me so mad when some of the guys would go do that to someone. Even though I'm in my thirties I still witness this cruelty amongst 'mature' adults. It makes me sick and still makes me just as mad. Here's an interesting way to look at the situation with some intellect. What happens when you poke a wounded animal? One of two things. Either you eventually kill the animal or it turns on you and wounds you in an effort to defend itself. Neither of those options seem all that appealing to me. How about you?
Even though I have been guilty of bullying like this I tend to be more of the comforting type. I find a good hug and/or a comforting word are lot more effective. For guys it's pretty easy. The conversation goes something like this, "You alright? Wanna get a beer?" "Yeah, that sounds good right now." They go have a beer, play some pool, watch sports, blow off some steam and move on with life. I've found in my experience so far that a good solid, enveloping hug tends to go a long way with comforting women and chocolate doesn't hurt either.
All that to say that if we could just give our friends and spouses and children and parents a hand up and help them dust themselves off and heal instead of seeing if we can deliver the fatal blow we would be much better off.

It would be cool to get some feedback.

-C-